If you had told me a couple of years ago, that some of my deepest dark secrets would come out in a public fashion, causing complete humiliation, I would have been horrified beyond comprehension.
So what makes me think that anyone in his or her right mind, would want to follow my blog?!?! Why would I put it out there for criticism, cynicism and the myriad of abuse I will probably experience, because of these public glimpses into my mind?!?
To be honest. I'm not sure if anyone will read it, and I'm not sure what they will say, feel, think or do about what they read, but for me, this is a way to put my thoughts and expectations into something more organized and productive, what happens from here will be a wait and see.
Your first question may be what is it you did that came out into the public. I'm not gonna answer that today. Instead I'm gonna look at the repercussions and my actions and reactions. If I continue to write this, I'm sure all of the secrets will come out. If and when they do, we will see what you think and feel.
So what happened? I got caught doing something bad that has (if not ended) put my marriage in jeapardy.
and to make it worse, it led my wife to investigate my life a little more closely and has brought to light more skeletons that just make this the worst week of my life.......
So what happens here? What do I do? To be honest, I almost acted cowardly and thought about cutting my losses and just moving forward, hoping to find comfort and peace in a new future with a lack of responsibility or repercussions from the past. How close? I don't know, but it was definitely tempting.
I did not, do that, though. The reason I didn't is this didn't just creep up on me (although it certainly felt that way) it came to me over time, through unheeded warnings that were placed in my path from God.
God you ask? How did he get into this story? Well, maybe I should back up a little. Not back to the beginning, but back to the spring. My father passed away on April 9, 2010. This day will forever be a major day in my life. I loved my father very much, relied on him heavily, and was devastated in many ways by his passing. I felt like I was on a raging fast flowing river and had lost my paddles. I spent a few days into weeks in shock.
One Sunday while at church I felt the gentle voice of God come into my mind and urge me to go to the alter and pray with a man who obviously was a foreiner. I obeyed. I went and prayed with the man, after the service, I looked for him, (I don't go around every day thinking God is urging me to do things... so this was very unique to me.) It turned out to be a vague and weird experience, but a life changing epiphany. He was a very little man, probably here illegally, from Mexico. and when I introduced myself to him, he said his name was Cecil! Unless you were from where I am, you probably wouldn't understand that I have never met another man in my life with that name except for my father who had died a few weeks previously.
Still. Nothing changed right there, it wasn't until Tuesday two days later that something miraculous and wonderful happened to me. I woke up hours earlier than usual with a lot more energy that I have had in a very long time, and I realized that my whole "worldview" had changed. and not just a little, It felt like I had made a wrong turn in my teens, and was finally seeing the true meaning of life for the first time in 20 years!!!
For a couple of days,my family looked at me strange,and I was unable to really put into words what had happened, but the easiest way to explain it is I saw the light! I was born again! I had a new lease on life.
I started out great!!! with great vigor, I began to restructure my life, I began to have faith in this glimps of how my life should be and I was running down the road to it as quickly as I possibly could.
Unfortunately, after months went on, I realized that to live this new life, changes needed to happen in my life, and instead of making the changes, I buried the past under some new dirt and kept going on my way.
I won't go into details today, but as I truly built a better life, and made great changes the past stayed there, under foot waiting for the day I would be distracted and it could come back rushing into my life. It took a couple of months and June found me leading a double life.
I am a recovering alcoholic and I have a past history, a rap sheet if you will of familiar behavior. I was very good at hiding anything in my life I did not want other people to see. Maybe even me.....
Anyway, it all came to a head 8 days ago. I went out and did something shameful and got caught. Last Monday, my wife walked out the door and has yet to return.......
This past week has been the worst week in my life, but in a way it has also been a good week. You see even if I was unwilling to remove the sin in my life, I found that the exposure of it gave me the freedom and stregnth to do something about it. Something concrete, something that needed to be done, but was harder for me to do that I think I could have done on my own. Today I feel like Paul when he said: (2 Corinthians 12:9-11)
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. I have made a fool of myself, but you drove me to it. I ought to have been commended by you, for I am not in the least inferior to the “super-apostles,”[a] even though I am nothing.
And in my weakness, I have seen my road once again. Right there waiting for me to walk Not any better than before, definitely weakened, but stronger than ever before, Because I am beginning to see that Even though I am not able to live this life in my flesh. Even though I don't have a clue of what I am doing, God is guiding me in the direction he wants me to go.
To end this off today, I will admit, I sure wish it was a little easier sometimes. It felt like I got kicked in the teeth, but if that is what I needed to get the message, Kick me again!
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